BLOG.MUTSMER.COM
The Fruit Does Not Fall Far From The Tree....
Who in your prior generation do you see most within yourself?
Many of us grow up hearing how we are "just like" someone in our family. We may be compared to one of our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so forth. This comparison may be a physical similarity, personality or a combination. Take out your journal and reflect on the following:
She also shared that her son looked just like the father. She could not understand this as the child had never met his father and had only met his paternal grandmother and aunt a few times when he was much younger. I asked the mother the age of the child when she first noticed these similarities and at what age did she start telling her son these observations. She replied that he had his father's tendencies since birth. He was born with his father's face and she could see similarities in their body shape. She was upset as she felt he should have looked more like her as she was the one who had carried him for nine months. She also shared that her relationship with the father was very stressful throughout the pregnancy and she was not happy about the pregnancy.
I then interviewed and worked with the student throughout the school year. In the beginning, the child would basically share that he knew he was "bad," that he had always been bad and that was just the way his life was. He figured since he was "just like his dad," that he would end up like his father. I asked him if that is what he wanted, or just how it was. He shared that he had never really thought about it, that his life seemed to be on automatic.
He eventually also shared that he wanted to get to meet his father, and felt the only way to feel close to him was to act the way his mother said his father acted. In some way, it helped him to feel as though he had a special bond with him. I guided him through the exercises that I had outlined above and helped him to separate his own identity from that of his perception of his father. Through this process, he was able to keep the aspects that he admired and served him in a positive way and identify his own personal strengths that would empower him to create his own future and goals separate from his father's. This also allowed him the opportunity to grieve the void he felt in not knowing his father rather than acting these feelings out destructively.
By being able to clearly identify the source of the pain that he was acting out in anger, allowed him to then shift it. Through subsequent joint sessions with his mother, he was able to articulate his feelings and needs to her. One of the main ones was needing his mother to see him as himself rather than in the shadows of his father and all her own feelings that she had dumped on him in the process. This approach, more importantly, allowed him to see himself as a separate entity from his father. This shift allowed him to feel more empowered in creating his own destiny.
How can you keep the jewels handed down from the prior generation without saving the trash?
Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
Many of us grow up hearing how we are "just like" someone in our family. We may be compared to one of our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so forth. This comparison may be a physical similarity, personality or a combination. Take out your journal and reflect on the following:
- Who in your family were you compared with the most?
- Who in your family did you feel the most connection with?
- How did you feel about these comparisons and connections?
- How have these comparisons impacted your way of functioning in your life (i.e. educational and job performance, relationships with family, friends, intimately, with yourself, physical/health and emotional challenges, etc.)
- Now break down these comparisons into positive and negative and in what way were they positive and negative.
- How can you use the positive aspects (strengths) to help shift the negative ones (challenges)?
- How can you "rescript" the negative (undesirable) traits into a form of strength and resolve in realizing your true personal goals in your life...... which brings you to.......
- If you do, how did these comparisons in your life influence what these goals are?
- If you do not, how did these comparisons get in your way of developing them? What can you do now to shift that?
She also shared that her son looked just like the father. She could not understand this as the child had never met his father and had only met his paternal grandmother and aunt a few times when he was much younger. I asked the mother the age of the child when she first noticed these similarities and at what age did she start telling her son these observations. She replied that he had his father's tendencies since birth. He was born with his father's face and she could see similarities in their body shape. She was upset as she felt he should have looked more like her as she was the one who had carried him for nine months. She also shared that her relationship with the father was very stressful throughout the pregnancy and she was not happy about the pregnancy.
I then interviewed and worked with the student throughout the school year. In the beginning, the child would basically share that he knew he was "bad," that he had always been bad and that was just the way his life was. He figured since he was "just like his dad," that he would end up like his father. I asked him if that is what he wanted, or just how it was. He shared that he had never really thought about it, that his life seemed to be on automatic.
He eventually also shared that he wanted to get to meet his father, and felt the only way to feel close to him was to act the way his mother said his father acted. In some way, it helped him to feel as though he had a special bond with him. I guided him through the exercises that I had outlined above and helped him to separate his own identity from that of his perception of his father. Through this process, he was able to keep the aspects that he admired and served him in a positive way and identify his own personal strengths that would empower him to create his own future and goals separate from his father's. This also allowed him the opportunity to grieve the void he felt in not knowing his father rather than acting these feelings out destructively.
By being able to clearly identify the source of the pain that he was acting out in anger, allowed him to then shift it. Through subsequent joint sessions with his mother, he was able to articulate his feelings and needs to her. One of the main ones was needing his mother to see him as himself rather than in the shadows of his father and all her own feelings that she had dumped on him in the process. This approach, more importantly, allowed him to see himself as a separate entity from his father. This shift allowed him to feel more empowered in creating his own destiny.
How can you keep the jewels handed down from the prior generation without saving the trash?
Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
Got symptoms? Call me!
What are your symptoms telling you now?
Now that you have looked at the mind body connection from a more global view of your lineage, you may "rewind" and take a more basic view of this process. In a culture where "quick fixes" are the desired norm, having patience with Mother Nature working out challenges over time may be frustrating. Why wait through a headache when a few Excedrin or Tylenol can silence it almost immediately? Why shift your diet when some form of medications can put your diabetes "under control," or quiet a child with ADHD?
This approach merely silences the symptoms. When the underlying cause is not resolved, it is like a sleeping volcano ready to erupt into a huge crisis. In the beginning, you may choose to do a combination, where you use the "quick fixes" as you trace down the source and are developing a more inclusive way to remedying the "challenge."
For example, suppose you have very bad migraine headaches several times a week. They are so blinding that you can barely stand up, never mind making it to work without some immediate assistance. In the beginning of your journey, you may resort to your original "quick fixes," but now you will be more aware of the process. Begin to reflect on what may be too painful for you to look at if the pain is around your eyes. If the pain is more on the upper part of your head, what are you trying to avoid feeling and tending to intellectualize about, etc. Keep a food journal of what you eat throughout the day, noting the time and your emotions at the time of eating whatever it is you are eating. You will begin to see patterns that will create a series of clues that will lead you to the source. Various foods represent particular emotions, some of which have physical side effects. Examples of these would be a person who needs coffee or soda throughout the day to get by. The caffeine in many beverages can intensify a headache as it constricts the blood vessels, thereby increasing your blood pressure, which in turn creates more pain. Your defense may be, "I need that 'jolt' of caffeine to get me through the day!" In reality, emotionally, you may need a 'jolt' of realizing your true life's purpose rather than staying in a dead end job. Physically, there are various protein shakes and "power snacks" that would increase your energy and 'maintain' it rather than spike and crash all day.
I once had a neighbor who complained of being tired all day and felt that 'old age' was creeping up on her. She was upset that she had a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning between fatigue and her joints being stiff. She shared that she was feeling stagnant in her position in the school system and frustrated by challenges in her relationship with her husband of 26 years.
During our conversation, I asked her what her personal goals were and how did they compare to what she was currently doing in the school system. She shared that she originally was hoping to make a difference with children, but felt that her creativity was very restricted by the school's politics. She also felt that her husband had become complacent and did not share her desire to have more in life, thereby 'holding her back.'
I asked her what her favorite snack foods were and what were her usual foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She shared that she liked to eat a lot of bread as well as salty crunchy things such as pretzels and potato chips. I shared with her a chart I have that broke down the connection between types of foods and emotions. She was surprised to see that her choice of favorite foods reflected displaced anger and feelings of dissatisfaction.
I also shared how her 'stiff joints' were also reflective of feeling stifled and therefore not able to move forward with the fluidity and ease she desired. I challenged her to write out a 'game plan' for her life in regards to where she wanted to be and how she could achieve these desires. We also explored healthy alternatives to the foods she was currently eating to help strengthen her body rather than tear it down.
I shared with her that aging does not mean your body has to start falling to pieces, that it is merely the result of the culmination of years of abuse of your body. If you use food as fuel as it was meant to be, instead of a "weapon of mass destruction," your body could actually become more youthful with time as it began to repair itself.
We also went through positive visualizations to experience her new reality through all of her senses as well as scan the remainder of her body for other "symptoms" of her life's challenges. We also explored what her spiritual philosophies were and in what ways she stays connected with her beliefs. About two or three days later, as I was on my way home, she comes running out to the street to meet me. Now mind you, we are talking about 10:00 pm in the evening. She was full of excitement sharing with me how she could not remember that last time she was so full energy and so full of hope!
She shared that she had made some of the changes in her diet that we had discussed as well as wanted to share with me her vision board in regards to her "new game plan" for her life. She said that she had become so excited that even her husband seemed to be catching "the new life bug!" She said that she no longer felt stiff in the morning, but practically jumped out of bed, excited to start the day. Over a period of time, she started her own home business and was very successful engaging many of her friends to join her. She began to feel her relationship with her husband grow stronger again also, as he became more involved in the various activities she was doing. She even talked about them going on a "second honeymoon."
A few years later, she also had a major shift in her position in her school. Her new position allowed her the freedom to implement some of her creative ideas not only with her students, but with other teachers and their students also. Her school became somewhere she now looked forward to as a place with multiple opportunities, rather than the "oppressive place" as she had once perceived it.
As you reflect on this story, what parts of your story comes to mind? Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
Now that you have looked at the mind body connection from a more global view of your lineage, you may "rewind" and take a more basic view of this process. In a culture where "quick fixes" are the desired norm, having patience with Mother Nature working out challenges over time may be frustrating. Why wait through a headache when a few Excedrin or Tylenol can silence it almost immediately? Why shift your diet when some form of medications can put your diabetes "under control," or quiet a child with ADHD?
This approach merely silences the symptoms. When the underlying cause is not resolved, it is like a sleeping volcano ready to erupt into a huge crisis. In the beginning, you may choose to do a combination, where you use the "quick fixes" as you trace down the source and are developing a more inclusive way to remedying the "challenge."
For example, suppose you have very bad migraine headaches several times a week. They are so blinding that you can barely stand up, never mind making it to work without some immediate assistance. In the beginning of your journey, you may resort to your original "quick fixes," but now you will be more aware of the process. Begin to reflect on what may be too painful for you to look at if the pain is around your eyes. If the pain is more on the upper part of your head, what are you trying to avoid feeling and tending to intellectualize about, etc. Keep a food journal of what you eat throughout the day, noting the time and your emotions at the time of eating whatever it is you are eating. You will begin to see patterns that will create a series of clues that will lead you to the source. Various foods represent particular emotions, some of which have physical side effects. Examples of these would be a person who needs coffee or soda throughout the day to get by. The caffeine in many beverages can intensify a headache as it constricts the blood vessels, thereby increasing your blood pressure, which in turn creates more pain. Your defense may be, "I need that 'jolt' of caffeine to get me through the day!" In reality, emotionally, you may need a 'jolt' of realizing your true life's purpose rather than staying in a dead end job. Physically, there are various protein shakes and "power snacks" that would increase your energy and 'maintain' it rather than spike and crash all day.
I once had a neighbor who complained of being tired all day and felt that 'old age' was creeping up on her. She was upset that she had a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning between fatigue and her joints being stiff. She shared that she was feeling stagnant in her position in the school system and frustrated by challenges in her relationship with her husband of 26 years.
During our conversation, I asked her what her personal goals were and how did they compare to what she was currently doing in the school system. She shared that she originally was hoping to make a difference with children, but felt that her creativity was very restricted by the school's politics. She also felt that her husband had become complacent and did not share her desire to have more in life, thereby 'holding her back.'
I asked her what her favorite snack foods were and what were her usual foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She shared that she liked to eat a lot of bread as well as salty crunchy things such as pretzels and potato chips. I shared with her a chart I have that broke down the connection between types of foods and emotions. She was surprised to see that her choice of favorite foods reflected displaced anger and feelings of dissatisfaction.
I also shared how her 'stiff joints' were also reflective of feeling stifled and therefore not able to move forward with the fluidity and ease she desired. I challenged her to write out a 'game plan' for her life in regards to where she wanted to be and how she could achieve these desires. We also explored healthy alternatives to the foods she was currently eating to help strengthen her body rather than tear it down.
I shared with her that aging does not mean your body has to start falling to pieces, that it is merely the result of the culmination of years of abuse of your body. If you use food as fuel as it was meant to be, instead of a "weapon of mass destruction," your body could actually become more youthful with time as it began to repair itself.
We also went through positive visualizations to experience her new reality through all of her senses as well as scan the remainder of her body for other "symptoms" of her life's challenges. We also explored what her spiritual philosophies were and in what ways she stays connected with her beliefs. About two or three days later, as I was on my way home, she comes running out to the street to meet me. Now mind you, we are talking about 10:00 pm in the evening. She was full of excitement sharing with me how she could not remember that last time she was so full energy and so full of hope!
She shared that she had made some of the changes in her diet that we had discussed as well as wanted to share with me her vision board in regards to her "new game plan" for her life. She said that she had become so excited that even her husband seemed to be catching "the new life bug!" She said that she no longer felt stiff in the morning, but practically jumped out of bed, excited to start the day. Over a period of time, she started her own home business and was very successful engaging many of her friends to join her. She began to feel her relationship with her husband grow stronger again also, as he became more involved in the various activities she was doing. She even talked about them going on a "second honeymoon."
A few years later, she also had a major shift in her position in her school. Her new position allowed her the freedom to implement some of her creative ideas not only with her students, but with other teachers and their students also. Her school became somewhere she now looked forward to as a place with multiple opportunities, rather than the "oppressive place" as she had once perceived it.
As you reflect on this story, what parts of your story comes to mind? Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
Mind - Body Connection In The Here And Now
How does your family tree tie into your personal challenges now?
As you explored your family tree, there are various patterns that may have stood out for you. These patterns are clues as to how you got to be where and who you are now. For example, suppose you had a history of very bad migraine headaches. The results of various medical exams did not identify any particular cause for the headaches, but you were told that you could use various over the counter medications to get some relief from the pain. After awhile, you found yourself using pain killers almost like candy in your attempts to escape the excruciating pain.
A different approach would be to first identify where in your head the pain seemed to be coming from. With migraines, it is usually around the eyes. This would be your first clue. This type of headache is literally letting you know that there was something particularly painful for you to look at in your life (usually something that originated somewhere in your past). Sometimes, one side of the head is more painful than the other. The left side represents the feminine energy, which is related to your creativity and nurturing issues. The right side represents the masculine energy, which is related to manifesting career goals, and asserting yourself.
As you began to look at the migraine from this perspective, you would be able to see how these clues showed up in your life. Also, various foods such as caffeine, red grapes and wine to name a few, tend to make migraines worse. You would also explore your pattern of eating these foods and/or your cravings for these foods. You would look to see who else in your family tree had migraines and how they are connected to you in the format that you had drawn out your family tree based on the exercises in previous sections. All of this would help you to begin to connect the dots like in a mystery novel, until you were able to discover the source of the migraine. This would allow you to shift whatever these challenges were as you would have a broader and deeper understanding of the source of the underlying trauma.
Depending on the intensity and complexity of the source, you may need outside support to actually be able to work through the root of the trauma. However, once this is done, it would be less likely to resurface as there would no longer need to be symptoms trying to get your attention as the underlying need would have been resolved.
I once had a client whose left leg had retained a great deal of fluid. As I was doing some reflexology on her foot, I began to explore possible sources of this retention of fluid. I knew that the left leg symbolized feminine issues. A lot of the fluid was around her ankle, which deals with the female organs. She was in her late 40's at that time. I asked her if she had any children and to tell me what her last pregnancy was like. She shared that she had three children, the last one in her early 40's. I asked if this child seemed to have any emotional challenges. She seemed surprised by this question and replied that for some reason he was born as a very angry child and was still prone to angry outbursts for no apparent reason. I asked her how she felt when she found out she was pregnant with her last child. She originally became very defensive and stated she loved all of her children very much.
I shared that in addition to being mothers, we were also human beings with our own dreams and aspirations. I went on to say that there are times in all of our lives that what we planned and what happens are not always the same. I knew that at the age she had her last child that it was common to catch women off guard as mentally they are beginning to prepare to focus on their own goals and needs as their children are getting ready to go out on their own. The woman began to weep and shared that she had felt so guilty as she was not excited when she found out about the last pregnancy as she thought she was finished and was looking forward to winding down with car pools, PTA meetings, etc. I reassured her that this did not negate her love for her child or make her a bad mother, simply human.
Within the safe space that we created from acknowledging and not judging her feelings, she was able to grieve the part of her that she felt was once again lost and validate her right to these feelings. She was also able to reflect how her mother had been in a similar situation during her mother's pregnancy with her. She did not want her son to grow up with the feeling of disconnect, as she had with her mother. She could feel a lot of her anger and sorrow lift as she was able to give voice to it and honor it for what it was. I explained how these feelings were being manifested in her leg in regards to the holding of fluid and how this release was connected to the healing of her challenges with her leg. We explored the foods that she tended to be attracted to and how to shift that to foods that would also support the release of fluids from her leg. We also did some relaxation and visualization exercises to help reinforce her release of various emotions and residual images that she was still holding on to.
Did it ever cross your mind that something like a headache, hypertension, etc. could merely be the tip of the iceberg to a much deeper and broader challenge that was within the realm to resolve? Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
As you explored your family tree, there are various patterns that may have stood out for you. These patterns are clues as to how you got to be where and who you are now. For example, suppose you had a history of very bad migraine headaches. The results of various medical exams did not identify any particular cause for the headaches, but you were told that you could use various over the counter medications to get some relief from the pain. After awhile, you found yourself using pain killers almost like candy in your attempts to escape the excruciating pain.
A different approach would be to first identify where in your head the pain seemed to be coming from. With migraines, it is usually around the eyes. This would be your first clue. This type of headache is literally letting you know that there was something particularly painful for you to look at in your life (usually something that originated somewhere in your past). Sometimes, one side of the head is more painful than the other. The left side represents the feminine energy, which is related to your creativity and nurturing issues. The right side represents the masculine energy, which is related to manifesting career goals, and asserting yourself.
As you began to look at the migraine from this perspective, you would be able to see how these clues showed up in your life. Also, various foods such as caffeine, red grapes and wine to name a few, tend to make migraines worse. You would also explore your pattern of eating these foods and/or your cravings for these foods. You would look to see who else in your family tree had migraines and how they are connected to you in the format that you had drawn out your family tree based on the exercises in previous sections. All of this would help you to begin to connect the dots like in a mystery novel, until you were able to discover the source of the migraine. This would allow you to shift whatever these challenges were as you would have a broader and deeper understanding of the source of the underlying trauma.
Depending on the intensity and complexity of the source, you may need outside support to actually be able to work through the root of the trauma. However, once this is done, it would be less likely to resurface as there would no longer need to be symptoms trying to get your attention as the underlying need would have been resolved.
I once had a client whose left leg had retained a great deal of fluid. As I was doing some reflexology on her foot, I began to explore possible sources of this retention of fluid. I knew that the left leg symbolized feminine issues. A lot of the fluid was around her ankle, which deals with the female organs. She was in her late 40's at that time. I asked her if she had any children and to tell me what her last pregnancy was like. She shared that she had three children, the last one in her early 40's. I asked if this child seemed to have any emotional challenges. She seemed surprised by this question and replied that for some reason he was born as a very angry child and was still prone to angry outbursts for no apparent reason. I asked her how she felt when she found out she was pregnant with her last child. She originally became very defensive and stated she loved all of her children very much.
I shared that in addition to being mothers, we were also human beings with our own dreams and aspirations. I went on to say that there are times in all of our lives that what we planned and what happens are not always the same. I knew that at the age she had her last child that it was common to catch women off guard as mentally they are beginning to prepare to focus on their own goals and needs as their children are getting ready to go out on their own. The woman began to weep and shared that she had felt so guilty as she was not excited when she found out about the last pregnancy as she thought she was finished and was looking forward to winding down with car pools, PTA meetings, etc. I reassured her that this did not negate her love for her child or make her a bad mother, simply human.
Within the safe space that we created from acknowledging and not judging her feelings, she was able to grieve the part of her that she felt was once again lost and validate her right to these feelings. She was also able to reflect how her mother had been in a similar situation during her mother's pregnancy with her. She did not want her son to grow up with the feeling of disconnect, as she had with her mother. She could feel a lot of her anger and sorrow lift as she was able to give voice to it and honor it for what it was. I explained how these feelings were being manifested in her leg in regards to the holding of fluid and how this release was connected to the healing of her challenges with her leg. We explored the foods that she tended to be attracted to and how to shift that to foods that would also support the release of fluids from her leg. We also did some relaxation and visualization exercises to help reinforce her release of various emotions and residual images that she was still holding on to.
Did it ever cross your mind that something like a headache, hypertension, etc. could merely be the tip of the iceberg to a much deeper and broader challenge that was within the realm to resolve? Visit www.CreatingYourHealthyLegacy.com for more information.
Cracking the "Sugar Story" Code
So just where did the "sugar story" come from?
I am referring to the "story" many of us have regarding "diabetes" running in our family. For some, it is hypertension, migraine headaches, ulcers, this list goes on and on. There is also another list of family stories of domestic violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, incarceration, and that list goes on and on also. I have even had families tell me that their child's bad behavior is "in their blood," that the child inherited bad genes from some undesirable part of the family. Is it really such a hopeless scenario of the luck of the draw of whether or not you inherit "good genes" or not?
Suppose we look outside of the box for a moment and look at the patterns of thought and behavior as what we actually "inherit" from generation to generation. Your greatest role models are the ones who were your first connections in this world, your biological parents. If you revisit some of the earlier exercises you did in this journey, you will understand why this is so. From that foundation, whoever were your original guardians were the next major players, with variations by whoever significant others were also in your life. This is why guardians get frustrated by children they are raising that are not their biological children. I have had guardians ask me why the child has some of their parent’s ways, when the child does not even know them. This is related to the circumstances the child was conceived in and experienced during pregnancy. This is also able to be shifted, but it has to be acknowledged and explored before this can take place. That is why a lot of conventional approaches seem ineffective.
If you do not look at what was going on spiritually, emotionally and mentally, as well as the actual physical from the time you were conceived (if not even before that), you are missing a major part of the foundation of how you've been "programmed" to be. Just like the African concept of "sankofa," if you do not look back and truly understand where you have come from, you cannot know where you are or where you are going!
To help you get a deeper understanding of this concept, recreate your family tree in whatever diagram or picture form that works best for you. In this family tree, however, you are adding other things besides their names and how they are related to you. You will add attributes such as the physical illnesses they had, emotional challenges (i.e. alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.), their occupations, what they were best known for (i.e. the best apple pie in town or could fix just about anything, or the greatest womanizer known to mankind), their nicknames, etc. After you have completed this, also make note of which ones you feel most connected to and in what way. Also see what patterns play out in this tree in relation to your siblings and parents. First do this exercise from your own perspective and recollections. Then engage other family members and close friends in conversations to get a broader perspective. Compare the two and make note of discrepancies and gaps in the stories that are shared.
Many years ago I had a 12 year old student who was being raised by her maternal grandmother. Her grandmother had her from birth as the mother was a substance abuser. The student would see her mother on occasion, but there were gaps in their interactions since the mother would disappear for long periods of time. The grandmother was very upset, as she noticed many similarities between her granddaughter and her daughter that alarmed her. She was concerned that the child had inherited the same "bad genes" as the daughter.
She was particularly concerned as she had felt that her daughter's "wayward" behavior was due to the bad genes she had inherited from the father's side of the family, as nobody on her side had drug problems and all the other traits she associated with "those types of people " (i.e. lying, stealing, sexually promiscuity, etc.). Now she was beginning to wonder if her daughter had been attracting the same type of bad genes in regards to who the daughter chose to be the father of her granddaughter. She was not sure who the father actually was as the daughter had been "out there" when she got pregnant and was not sure herself. The daughter seemed to know it was one of three or four men she was "dealing with" at the time. The grandmother was further frustrated that the granddaughter was not more like her.
After all, she was the one that had raised her from birth and had given her good home training! The grandmother described herself as being very feminine, proper, honest, and a devoted Christian. She described her daughter as being more tom-boyish, was now "in the life," was a real con artist and had not seen the inside of a church since she had run off with some boy when she was 16 years old. The grandmother shared that she had worked so hard to shield her granddaughter from the things her daughter was doing as she did not want to loose her the way she had lost her daughter. Now she wanted some help in rescuing her granddaughter from sliding into a "doomed" life, or was the bad genes she had inherited just too much to "cure." The grandmother also shared that the child had been in medication for ADHD for several years to help calm her down, but that the medications seemed to be loosing their effect. I asked if the child had received counseling with the medications, and the grandmother said some on a monthly basis.
As you read over this story, use the exercise above it to break it down into its own family tree. It may make it easier as a practice in order to prepare yourself for doing your own.
What "stories" do you tell yourself that have been passed down from generation to generation that you want to shift to create your healthy legacy? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
I am referring to the "story" many of us have regarding "diabetes" running in our family. For some, it is hypertension, migraine headaches, ulcers, this list goes on and on. There is also another list of family stories of domestic violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, incarceration, and that list goes on and on also. I have even had families tell me that their child's bad behavior is "in their blood," that the child inherited bad genes from some undesirable part of the family. Is it really such a hopeless scenario of the luck of the draw of whether or not you inherit "good genes" or not?
Suppose we look outside of the box for a moment and look at the patterns of thought and behavior as what we actually "inherit" from generation to generation. Your greatest role models are the ones who were your first connections in this world, your biological parents. If you revisit some of the earlier exercises you did in this journey, you will understand why this is so. From that foundation, whoever were your original guardians were the next major players, with variations by whoever significant others were also in your life. This is why guardians get frustrated by children they are raising that are not their biological children. I have had guardians ask me why the child has some of their parent’s ways, when the child does not even know them. This is related to the circumstances the child was conceived in and experienced during pregnancy. This is also able to be shifted, but it has to be acknowledged and explored before this can take place. That is why a lot of conventional approaches seem ineffective.
If you do not look at what was going on spiritually, emotionally and mentally, as well as the actual physical from the time you were conceived (if not even before that), you are missing a major part of the foundation of how you've been "programmed" to be. Just like the African concept of "sankofa," if you do not look back and truly understand where you have come from, you cannot know where you are or where you are going!
To help you get a deeper understanding of this concept, recreate your family tree in whatever diagram or picture form that works best for you. In this family tree, however, you are adding other things besides their names and how they are related to you. You will add attributes such as the physical illnesses they had, emotional challenges (i.e. alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.), their occupations, what they were best known for (i.e. the best apple pie in town or could fix just about anything, or the greatest womanizer known to mankind), their nicknames, etc. After you have completed this, also make note of which ones you feel most connected to and in what way. Also see what patterns play out in this tree in relation to your siblings and parents. First do this exercise from your own perspective and recollections. Then engage other family members and close friends in conversations to get a broader perspective. Compare the two and make note of discrepancies and gaps in the stories that are shared.
Many years ago I had a 12 year old student who was being raised by her maternal grandmother. Her grandmother had her from birth as the mother was a substance abuser. The student would see her mother on occasion, but there were gaps in their interactions since the mother would disappear for long periods of time. The grandmother was very upset, as she noticed many similarities between her granddaughter and her daughter that alarmed her. She was concerned that the child had inherited the same "bad genes" as the daughter.
She was particularly concerned as she had felt that her daughter's "wayward" behavior was due to the bad genes she had inherited from the father's side of the family, as nobody on her side had drug problems and all the other traits she associated with "those types of people " (i.e. lying, stealing, sexually promiscuity, etc.). Now she was beginning to wonder if her daughter had been attracting the same type of bad genes in regards to who the daughter chose to be the father of her granddaughter. She was not sure who the father actually was as the daughter had been "out there" when she got pregnant and was not sure herself. The daughter seemed to know it was one of three or four men she was "dealing with" at the time. The grandmother was further frustrated that the granddaughter was not more like her.
After all, she was the one that had raised her from birth and had given her good home training! The grandmother described herself as being very feminine, proper, honest, and a devoted Christian. She described her daughter as being more tom-boyish, was now "in the life," was a real con artist and had not seen the inside of a church since she had run off with some boy when she was 16 years old. The grandmother shared that she had worked so hard to shield her granddaughter from the things her daughter was doing as she did not want to loose her the way she had lost her daughter. Now she wanted some help in rescuing her granddaughter from sliding into a "doomed" life, or was the bad genes she had inherited just too much to "cure." The grandmother also shared that the child had been in medication for ADHD for several years to help calm her down, but that the medications seemed to be loosing their effect. I asked if the child had received counseling with the medications, and the grandmother said some on a monthly basis.
As you read over this story, use the exercise above it to break it down into its own family tree. It may make it easier as a practice in order to prepare yourself for doing your own.
What "stories" do you tell yourself that have been passed down from generation to generation that you want to shift to create your healthy legacy? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Looking at the Mind - Body Connection From the Beginning
So just what does the mind have to do with your physical ailments?
As you go through the next set of reflections, you will be tuning into the way your mind and your body compliments each other in the way you function.
It is very common to respond to the "symptoms" that your mind and body express as the actual root of your problem and find a "quick fix" to "cure" it. These quick fixes often quiet the symptoms for the present, but if the actual source of the problem (or trauma) is not resolved, another "symptom" will surface even louder and more intense than the first one. Some typical examples of this are challenges such as migraines, diabetes, hypertension, fibroids, lupus, cancer, etc.
For the moment, reflect on what is the most common ailment you have in your family in your current generation. Become aware of patterns in regards to who in your current generation has this ailment (including you, if applicable). What are their roles in the family? What is their birth order and gender? What is their occupation? At what age or age range did these family members develop this ailment? What has been the treatment of choice to address this ailment? How did this become the treatment of choice? What emotions come up for you when doing this exercise? What dominant emotion would you identify with each family member who has this ailment?
Have you or any of your friends ever shared the story that "sugar" runs in their family (meaning diabetes)? Sometimes, it is described even more specific as all the "men or women" folk "get it." The explanation goes on to say that it's just "in their blood" that can't be helped. Their family has "always" had sugar. There are recollections of whose condition got so bad that they had toes, feet, legs, etc. cut off trying to stop it from spreading. The story is shared almost like a family curse that can't be helped; it's just the way nature dealt the cards.
Have you ever wondered if there was a way to break your family "curse," so it was no longer handed down from generation to generation? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
As you go through the next set of reflections, you will be tuning into the way your mind and your body compliments each other in the way you function.
It is very common to respond to the "symptoms" that your mind and body express as the actual root of your problem and find a "quick fix" to "cure" it. These quick fixes often quiet the symptoms for the present, but if the actual source of the problem (or trauma) is not resolved, another "symptom" will surface even louder and more intense than the first one. Some typical examples of this are challenges such as migraines, diabetes, hypertension, fibroids, lupus, cancer, etc.
For the moment, reflect on what is the most common ailment you have in your family in your current generation. Become aware of patterns in regards to who in your current generation has this ailment (including you, if applicable). What are their roles in the family? What is their birth order and gender? What is their occupation? At what age or age range did these family members develop this ailment? What has been the treatment of choice to address this ailment? How did this become the treatment of choice? What emotions come up for you when doing this exercise? What dominant emotion would you identify with each family member who has this ailment?
Have you or any of your friends ever shared the story that "sugar" runs in their family (meaning diabetes)? Sometimes, it is described even more specific as all the "men or women" folk "get it." The explanation goes on to say that it's just "in their blood" that can't be helped. Their family has "always" had sugar. There are recollections of whose condition got so bad that they had toes, feet, legs, etc. cut off trying to stop it from spreading. The story is shared almost like a family curse that can't be helped; it's just the way nature dealt the cards.
Have you ever wondered if there was a way to break your family "curse," so it was no longer handed down from generation to generation? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
The Past - Present Connection
What does the "good old days" have to do with your "present days?"
Picture in your mind a typical day for you in your household as far back as you can remember. (This would be a good exercise to do in your journal)
What I had not picked up on was that even with the humor there was a lot of abrasiveness in her choice of words. Although I had a different way of sharing humor, I had not realized how much the violent undertones were still very much present. I also had not realized the impact that this violent pattern had on my self confidence, my intimate relationships, etc. As I became more in touch with how this violent pattern had permeated my way of being not just with others, but with myself, I was able to gradually shift this. As a result, I began to notice that everyone around me also began to shift in how they related to me also. My household began to take on a more "peaceful and harmonious" tone, where conflicts did not end in feeling like I had just gone through a war.
As you reflect on your own original family's pattern, how do you see it show up in your current one? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Picture in your mind a typical day for you in your household as far back as you can remember. (This would be a good exercise to do in your journal)
- How old were you?
- Who was usually present in your household?
- How would you describe the atmosphere in your household then?
- Was it quiet and peaceful?
- Was it loud and chaotic?
- Was there always a cold war going on where you were constantly waiting for the last shoe to drop?
- Was it free flowing where anything went and you never knew when and what you were having for meal times or what the household rules were as they were constantly changing?
- Was there a consistent routine where everyone was clear what was expected and when?
- Was it very rigid where you felt like you were in boot camp and not allowed to express yourself?
- Describe in your own words, which may reflect some of the above or whatever and however it comes to mind.
- How did the members of your household interact with each other?
- Was the communication warm and loving or at each other's throat?
- Were the interactions competitive or supportive of each other?
- Were the communications more verbal or implied? If implied, how so?
- What differences did you notice?
- What similarities were there and in what areas?
- How do you feel about the differences and similarities?
- Now revisit the differences and really look at them? Are they really different, or is it still present but with a different face or role?
What I had not picked up on was that even with the humor there was a lot of abrasiveness in her choice of words. Although I had a different way of sharing humor, I had not realized how much the violent undertones were still very much present. I also had not realized the impact that this violent pattern had on my self confidence, my intimate relationships, etc. As I became more in touch with how this violent pattern had permeated my way of being not just with others, but with myself, I was able to gradually shift this. As a result, I began to notice that everyone around me also began to shift in how they related to me also. My household began to take on a more "peaceful and harmonious" tone, where conflicts did not end in feeling like I had just gone through a war.
As you reflect on your own original family's pattern, how do you see it show up in your current one? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
The Family and Friends Factor
What were your parent's extended family and friends' reactions to the news of your pending arrival?
Many of you have heard the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child." Just like your humble beginnings was impacted by the reactions of your parents; the reactions of your grandparents, aunts, uncles, close friends and neighbors, etc. also played a role. Your parents may have been elated by the news, while the grandparents felt it was too early, too soon or just not a good match to begin with. The reverse may have been true where the grandparents were wondering what the hold up was, while your parents felt pressure to please them. There are so many variations in between.
Reflect on your relationships with the various members of your family and close friends of your family. Who do you seem to just connect with most of the time? Who do you seem to feel strange "vibes" from and wonder what that's about? What parts of the family "story" do you know regarding your birth and where are there gaps in the story? This will help guide you to who in your family you may need to have some conversations with to help fill in these gaps. Write down your discoveries and reflections of these discoveries in your journal.
One of my former students used to be a real challenge in school. She tended to be referred to as the "drama queen." She perceived school rules pertaining to others and not to her. She had difficulty respecting social boundaries with her peers as well as differentiating adult/authority roles and children's roles. She was always manipulating situations to be the center of attention, and becoming verbally abusive when her attempts were not successful. When I met with her mother, she shared that prior to the birth of this child, she had several miscarriages. While she was pregnant with this child, the entire family was very supportive and helping the mother as none of them could bear to go through another miscarriage. This child was born almost 2 months premature and was in intensive care for a few weeks. Family members and friends came to visit the hospital regularly during that time to support her as well as pray for the well being of this child.
When she survived, the hospital referred to her as a miracle baby and felt she was very special. Once she was brought home, everyone fussed over her and treated her very special as she was seen as a real blessing. The mother admitted that even now, many family members still cater to her as a result of how she started out. The mother can see how this has had a negative impact on the way her daughter interacts with others outside of the household as well as at home. She shared that it is difficult to maintain any consistent discipline between having weak moments herself as well as her attempts being undermined by other relatives who see this child as "the princess."
How did the reaction of extended family and friends’ impact on your way of being in this world? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Many of you have heard the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child." Just like your humble beginnings was impacted by the reactions of your parents; the reactions of your grandparents, aunts, uncles, close friends and neighbors, etc. also played a role. Your parents may have been elated by the news, while the grandparents felt it was too early, too soon or just not a good match to begin with. The reverse may have been true where the grandparents were wondering what the hold up was, while your parents felt pressure to please them. There are so many variations in between.
Reflect on your relationships with the various members of your family and close friends of your family. Who do you seem to just connect with most of the time? Who do you seem to feel strange "vibes" from and wonder what that's about? What parts of the family "story" do you know regarding your birth and where are there gaps in the story? This will help guide you to who in your family you may need to have some conversations with to help fill in these gaps. Write down your discoveries and reflections of these discoveries in your journal.
One of my former students used to be a real challenge in school. She tended to be referred to as the "drama queen." She perceived school rules pertaining to others and not to her. She had difficulty respecting social boundaries with her peers as well as differentiating adult/authority roles and children's roles. She was always manipulating situations to be the center of attention, and becoming verbally abusive when her attempts were not successful. When I met with her mother, she shared that prior to the birth of this child, she had several miscarriages. While she was pregnant with this child, the entire family was very supportive and helping the mother as none of them could bear to go through another miscarriage. This child was born almost 2 months premature and was in intensive care for a few weeks. Family members and friends came to visit the hospital regularly during that time to support her as well as pray for the well being of this child.
When she survived, the hospital referred to her as a miracle baby and felt she was very special. Once she was brought home, everyone fussed over her and treated her very special as she was seen as a real blessing. The mother admitted that even now, many family members still cater to her as a result of how she started out. The mother can see how this has had a negative impact on the way her daughter interacts with others outside of the household as well as at home. She shared that it is difficult to maintain any consistent discipline between having weak moments herself as well as her attempts being undermined by other relatives who see this child as "the princess."
How did the reaction of extended family and friends’ impact on your way of being in this world? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
It's All About Order
So what does order have to do with anything?
In your family, are you the oldest, second oldest, middle child, youngest or an only child? What was your role and responsibility in relation to your other siblings or lack thereof? Just to make it more interesting, are you in a different age order for your mother vs. your father. In other words, for example, are you your mother's first born but your father's third child? Just to add to this, which siblings did you live with, were there any shifts during your upbringing and what contacts did you have with the siblings you did not physically live with?
While doing this reflection, it may be helpful to draw out a diagram just to help get the various relationships into some type of order and to see what patterns of interactions become more evident. The order of your birth and your parent's perceptions of those orders have a great impact on your expectations of yourself as well as of others around you.
Once you have done your own, reflect back in relation to what order each of your parents were also and map those out. This will help to broaden the picture to see what patterns were handed down in your family legacy.
Write down in your journal whatever revelations you get from this exercise in regards to your way of relating to others at work, at home with family members as well as intimate relationships.
One of my girlfriends, who was a second born with a domineering older sister, was having ongoing conflicts with her oldest daughter. She felt that her daughter seemed to forget who was the child and who was the adult in the household. She complained that this daughter was forever telling her "better" ways she could be parenting as well as having a tendency to "take charge" of various tasks in the household. She admitted that this daughter was a real blessing in the way she was able to "manage" her four younger siblings and was very responsible in both school and at home. She did not appreciate, however, the way her daughter "critiqued" the way she did things in the home. Her daughter would question why she gave the younger ones breaks when they broke household rules and would comment on how it undermined her ability to help keep order so the mother would not be so stressed by their disobedient behavior. She would make suggestions regarding bed times, "better" ways to supervise the younger ones during homework time as well as how meals were prepared. My girlfriend shared that she was beginning to really dislike her daughter and did not know what to do about it.
I asked her who in her family did her daughter remind her of. With a slight pause, she suddenly looks somewhat surprised and shared - her older sister! I asked, “In what ways were they alike?” She shared that growing up, her sister was always telling her what to do and they would frequently argue. My girlfriend would repeatedly argue with her older sister that SHE was NOT her mother and to stop bossing her around. I then asked what order of birth was her mother and what was her mother's relationship like with both her and her sister. Her mother was the youngest of four sisters, and still looked towards them for guidance. Her mother and older sister were very close, as she felt less stress with the older one "helping out" so much with my girlfriend and two younger brothers. She admitted that she and her mother were always having conflicts as she felt her mother let the older sister get away with too much and did not appreciate the "control" that was given to the older sister over her.
As she shared her story, she began to see connections between the generations of women in her family. This led to a series of "aha" moments that helped her to shift her way of being with her own daughter. She was able to see how many of her battles with her daughter mirrored similar ones she had with her older sister. She could also see how she gave mixed messages to her oldest daughter, since she was also used to the oldest sibling being "groomed" to "take charge."
What impact did your birth order have on the role you play in YOUR family? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
In your family, are you the oldest, second oldest, middle child, youngest or an only child? What was your role and responsibility in relation to your other siblings or lack thereof? Just to make it more interesting, are you in a different age order for your mother vs. your father. In other words, for example, are you your mother's first born but your father's third child? Just to add to this, which siblings did you live with, were there any shifts during your upbringing and what contacts did you have with the siblings you did not physically live with?
While doing this reflection, it may be helpful to draw out a diagram just to help get the various relationships into some type of order and to see what patterns of interactions become more evident. The order of your birth and your parent's perceptions of those orders have a great impact on your expectations of yourself as well as of others around you.
Once you have done your own, reflect back in relation to what order each of your parents were also and map those out. This will help to broaden the picture to see what patterns were handed down in your family legacy.
Write down in your journal whatever revelations you get from this exercise in regards to your way of relating to others at work, at home with family members as well as intimate relationships.
One of my girlfriends, who was a second born with a domineering older sister, was having ongoing conflicts with her oldest daughter. She felt that her daughter seemed to forget who was the child and who was the adult in the household. She complained that this daughter was forever telling her "better" ways she could be parenting as well as having a tendency to "take charge" of various tasks in the household. She admitted that this daughter was a real blessing in the way she was able to "manage" her four younger siblings and was very responsible in both school and at home. She did not appreciate, however, the way her daughter "critiqued" the way she did things in the home. Her daughter would question why she gave the younger ones breaks when they broke household rules and would comment on how it undermined her ability to help keep order so the mother would not be so stressed by their disobedient behavior. She would make suggestions regarding bed times, "better" ways to supervise the younger ones during homework time as well as how meals were prepared. My girlfriend shared that she was beginning to really dislike her daughter and did not know what to do about it.
I asked her who in her family did her daughter remind her of. With a slight pause, she suddenly looks somewhat surprised and shared - her older sister! I asked, “In what ways were they alike?” She shared that growing up, her sister was always telling her what to do and they would frequently argue. My girlfriend would repeatedly argue with her older sister that SHE was NOT her mother and to stop bossing her around. I then asked what order of birth was her mother and what was her mother's relationship like with both her and her sister. Her mother was the youngest of four sisters, and still looked towards them for guidance. Her mother and older sister were very close, as she felt less stress with the older one "helping out" so much with my girlfriend and two younger brothers. She admitted that she and her mother were always having conflicts as she felt her mother let the older sister get away with too much and did not appreciate the "control" that was given to the older sister over her.
As she shared her story, she began to see connections between the generations of women in her family. This led to a series of "aha" moments that helped her to shift her way of being with her own daughter. She was able to see how many of her battles with her daughter mirrored similar ones she had with her older sister. She could also see how she gave mixed messages to her oldest daughter, since she was also used to the oldest sibling being "groomed" to "take charge."
What impact did your birth order have on the role you play in YOUR family? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Your Parents Story & You
What was your parent's story during their pregnancy with you?
Now that you have looked at each of your parent’s reaction to your pending arrival, what was their relationship like with each other? Were they very loving and supportive of each other? Was it a daily "battlefield" filled with stress and anxiety?
Reflect on "their story" during their pregnancy with you and consider the following:
In one of my trainings, we did a similar exercise as a group. One of the participants visualized it being time to be born. She then reflected on the way her parents related to each other. She described them as always bickering at each other and that there was always a lot of tension between them. The parents would argue about money, their home, each other's family, etc. As she become more in touch with the scenario and then as a baby getting ready to be born, she became more in touch with her own anxiety of being in that setting. She shared how she was born over a week later than was planned and could now see why this was - "who would want to be born into such chaos?!" she exclaimed. From this exercise, she was able to see connections between the way her parents had related to each other during that time and her being a very nervous and "temperamental" baby. She could also see the way it affected the way she was with her own children during her pregnancies and their births.
In what ways did your parent's relationship color your arrival into this world? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Now that you have looked at each of your parent’s reaction to your pending arrival, what was their relationship like with each other? Were they very loving and supportive of each other? Was it a daily "battlefield" filled with stress and anxiety?
Reflect on "their story" during their pregnancy with you and consider the following:
- What thoughts come to mind?
- Pretend you are watching it like a mini television series in your head
- Become aware of what feelings come up for you and where in your body you feel them
- Picture yourself as a baby getting ready to enter the world in the scenario you have envisioned; is this a scenario you are looking forward to entering into or one filled with apprehension?
In one of my trainings, we did a similar exercise as a group. One of the participants visualized it being time to be born. She then reflected on the way her parents related to each other. She described them as always bickering at each other and that there was always a lot of tension between them. The parents would argue about money, their home, each other's family, etc. As she become more in touch with the scenario and then as a baby getting ready to be born, she became more in touch with her own anxiety of being in that setting. She shared how she was born over a week later than was planned and could now see why this was - "who would want to be born into such chaos?!" she exclaimed. From this exercise, she was able to see connections between the way her parents had related to each other during that time and her being a very nervous and "temperamental" baby. She could also see the way it affected the way she was with her own children during her pregnancies and their births.
In what ways did your parent's relationship color your arrival into this world? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
And Papa Makes Three
What were your father's stories about how he experienced your mother's pregnancy with you?
I have a neighbor who is pregnant with her and her husband's first child. He has been so excited and has been very attentive throughout the pregnancy. When he found out that the baby was a girl, he became ecstatic and picked out her name within that week. He would always greet the baby as well as my neighbor together when he got home and would frequently speak to his unborn daughter. Through this process, my neighbor shared that she felt the baby could sense when her husband was arriving home. She claimed that just before he arrived home, the baby would start moving around within her and she would feel a shift as though the baby was trying to move towards where her husband was! She also shared that the baby only responds this way when her husband is arriving or near her.
Have you ever shared father stories with your friends and noticed the connections between the stories and each other? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
- How did he feel when he first found out your mother was pregnant with you?
- What was his relationship like with your mother prior and during her pregnancy?
- Were you part of his "plan" or did he need to defer his own dreams to prepare for parenthood? Or did he choose not to stay?
I have a neighbor who is pregnant with her and her husband's first child. He has been so excited and has been very attentive throughout the pregnancy. When he found out that the baby was a girl, he became ecstatic and picked out her name within that week. He would always greet the baby as well as my neighbor together when he got home and would frequently speak to his unborn daughter. Through this process, my neighbor shared that she felt the baby could sense when her husband was arriving home. She claimed that just before he arrived home, the baby would start moving around within her and she would feel a shift as though the baby was trying to move towards where her husband was! She also shared that the baby only responds this way when her husband is arriving or near her.
Have you ever shared father stories with your friends and noticed the connections between the stories and each other? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.