It's All About Order
So what does order have to do with anything?
In your family, are you the oldest, second oldest, middle child, youngest or an only child? What was your role and responsibility in relation to your other siblings or lack thereof? Just to make it more interesting, are you in a different age order for your mother vs. your father. In other words, for example, are you your mother's first born but your father's third child? Just to add to this, which siblings did you live with, were there any shifts during your upbringing and what contacts did you have with the siblings you did not physically live with?
While doing this reflection, it may be helpful to draw out a diagram just to help get the various relationships into some type of order and to see what patterns of interactions become more evident. The order of your birth and your parent's perceptions of those orders have a great impact on your expectations of yourself as well as of others around you.
Once you have done your own, reflect back in relation to what order each of your parents were also and map those out. This will help to broaden the picture to see what patterns were handed down in your family legacy.
Write down in your journal whatever revelations you get from this exercise in regards to your way of relating to others at work, at home with family members as well as intimate relationships.
One of my girlfriends, who was a second born with a domineering older sister, was having ongoing conflicts with her oldest daughter. She felt that her daughter seemed to forget who was the child and who was the adult in the household. She complained that this daughter was forever telling her "better" ways she could be parenting as well as having a tendency to "take charge" of various tasks in the household. She admitted that this daughter was a real blessing in the way she was able to "manage" her four younger siblings and was very responsible in both school and at home. She did not appreciate, however, the way her daughter "critiqued" the way she did things in the home. Her daughter would question why she gave the younger ones breaks when they broke household rules and would comment on how it undermined her ability to help keep order so the mother would not be so stressed by their disobedient behavior. She would make suggestions regarding bed times, "better" ways to supervise the younger ones during homework time as well as how meals were prepared. My girlfriend shared that she was beginning to really dislike her daughter and did not know what to do about it.
I asked her who in her family did her daughter remind her of. With a slight pause, she suddenly looks somewhat surprised and shared - her older sister! I asked, “In what ways were they alike?” She shared that growing up, her sister was always telling her what to do and they would frequently argue. My girlfriend would repeatedly argue with her older sister that SHE was NOT her mother and to stop bossing her around. I then asked what order of birth was her mother and what was her mother's relationship like with both her and her sister. Her mother was the youngest of four sisters, and still looked towards them for guidance. Her mother and older sister were very close, as she felt less stress with the older one "helping out" so much with my girlfriend and two younger brothers. She admitted that she and her mother were always having conflicts as she felt her mother let the older sister get away with too much and did not appreciate the "control" that was given to the older sister over her.
As she shared her story, she began to see connections between the generations of women in her family. This led to a series of "aha" moments that helped her to shift her way of being with her own daughter. She was able to see how many of her battles with her daughter mirrored similar ones she had with her older sister. She could also see how she gave mixed messages to her oldest daughter, since she was also used to the oldest sibling being "groomed" to "take charge."
What impact did your birth order have on the role you play in YOUR family? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
In your family, are you the oldest, second oldest, middle child, youngest or an only child? What was your role and responsibility in relation to your other siblings or lack thereof? Just to make it more interesting, are you in a different age order for your mother vs. your father. In other words, for example, are you your mother's first born but your father's third child? Just to add to this, which siblings did you live with, were there any shifts during your upbringing and what contacts did you have with the siblings you did not physically live with?
While doing this reflection, it may be helpful to draw out a diagram just to help get the various relationships into some type of order and to see what patterns of interactions become more evident. The order of your birth and your parent's perceptions of those orders have a great impact on your expectations of yourself as well as of others around you.
Once you have done your own, reflect back in relation to what order each of your parents were also and map those out. This will help to broaden the picture to see what patterns were handed down in your family legacy.
Write down in your journal whatever revelations you get from this exercise in regards to your way of relating to others at work, at home with family members as well as intimate relationships.
One of my girlfriends, who was a second born with a domineering older sister, was having ongoing conflicts with her oldest daughter. She felt that her daughter seemed to forget who was the child and who was the adult in the household. She complained that this daughter was forever telling her "better" ways she could be parenting as well as having a tendency to "take charge" of various tasks in the household. She admitted that this daughter was a real blessing in the way she was able to "manage" her four younger siblings and was very responsible in both school and at home. She did not appreciate, however, the way her daughter "critiqued" the way she did things in the home. Her daughter would question why she gave the younger ones breaks when they broke household rules and would comment on how it undermined her ability to help keep order so the mother would not be so stressed by their disobedient behavior. She would make suggestions regarding bed times, "better" ways to supervise the younger ones during homework time as well as how meals were prepared. My girlfriend shared that she was beginning to really dislike her daughter and did not know what to do about it.
I asked her who in her family did her daughter remind her of. With a slight pause, she suddenly looks somewhat surprised and shared - her older sister! I asked, “In what ways were they alike?” She shared that growing up, her sister was always telling her what to do and they would frequently argue. My girlfriend would repeatedly argue with her older sister that SHE was NOT her mother and to stop bossing her around. I then asked what order of birth was her mother and what was her mother's relationship like with both her and her sister. Her mother was the youngest of four sisters, and still looked towards them for guidance. Her mother and older sister were very close, as she felt less stress with the older one "helping out" so much with my girlfriend and two younger brothers. She admitted that she and her mother were always having conflicts as she felt her mother let the older sister get away with too much and did not appreciate the "control" that was given to the older sister over her.
As she shared her story, she began to see connections between the generations of women in her family. This led to a series of "aha" moments that helped her to shift her way of being with her own daughter. She was able to see how many of her battles with her daughter mirrored similar ones she had with her older sister. She could also see how she gave mixed messages to her oldest daughter, since she was also used to the oldest sibling being "groomed" to "take charge."
What impact did your birth order have on the role you play in YOUR family? Visit www.MutsMer.com for more information.
Posted by MutsMer.com at 1/8/2010 2:01 PM 
Categories: Relationships, Parents, Order, Reflections, SIblings
Tags: revelation youngest reflections first born control domineering SIblings conflict oldest map Parents relation Order household adult girlfriend Relationships
Categories: Relationships, Parents, Order, Reflections, SIblings
Tags: revelation youngest reflections first born control domineering SIblings conflict oldest map Parents relation Order household adult girlfriend Relationships
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